Cooler

I'm back in high school. Or maybe middle school. Probably both. That stage in life where you're walking around constantly obsessing over if someone likes you or not. Questioning every look, reaction, and response. What did that blink mean? What did that yawn mean? Why did they look away? What do they see? What are they looking at? What's wrong with me? Those Marcia, Marcia, Marcia moments from the Brady Bunch!

And that someone is Cub.

I saw an episode of Cougar Town the other day (don't ask!) and there was a scene where one of the friends called desperately for advice because she feared her baby didn't like her. The main character suggested they go out and get the baby chocolate ice cream so he can like his mom again. And it worked! I thought, that insecurity must be pretty common if someone thought to put it in a script.

Maybe it's part of that whole mommy guilt thing. We know there are moments when we're not being the best mom so we get all insecure and ashamed and start doing anything and everything to win back that acceptance. I'm saying "we" but maybe it's just me!

Today I'm pushing Cub on a swing at the park. In my head I'm thinking "how long are we really going to stay on this swing?" Then Cub looks at the other mommy making goofy faces at her baby in the next swing and I start thinking, "Am I horrible mom for feeling bored right now? Is Cub wishing that other mom was his mom?" So then I start pushing Cub higher and trying different silly faces and sounds to make him laugh. It worked, kind of. But he also had this look in his eye (or so I'm interpreting) that said, "you're fake. You're trying to get my approval right now and I'm not going to give it to you a hundred percent, so settle on this half-smile." And of course the Marcia, Marcia, Marcias start up and the itty bitty shitty committee starts casting their votes on my parenting and I turn into a total head case.

Many moments I find myself drifting off somewhere mentally while playing with Cub and then feeling horrible for not being "present" 24-7. Or I'm watching Cub laugh hysterically with daddy and feel like I'm the biggest crumb for glancing at the clock for the next nap time or bedtime at times when he's with me. A "good" mommy would always have on a smile, have total patience, sing all the kiddie songs (and know the words!), play non-stop, think only about their child and so on, right? Right.

Does this mean I'm totally selfish and self-centered? At times, yes. But also that I'm a normal woman who happens to be a mom too and has needs and desires of her own apart from mommyhood. Dare I admit that?

While at the park today I also saw this dad pushing his kid on another swing. The little girl was perfectly content and the dad wasn't looking at her or trying to coax some giggle out of her. They were just swinging. Simple as that. And I wondered why can't I just swing in moments that I don't feel up to being silly and goofy? Just chill. Relax. Instead of feeling guilty for not being the funnest 24-7 mom in the world? Is it not more weird for Cub to have a mommy fighting desperately for his approval? Or getting a complex for being bored once in a while?

And if I am being selfish, maybe I need to simply acknowledge it, then make a mental switch and keep it moving!

Cub has become more and more aware of his surroundings and emotional environments lately. He's 11 months going on 15! If I'm acting weird, he knows it! No silly smile can hide that. If I'm tense, awkward, nervous, insecure, he's reading into all of it! He may not know what's going on, but he is thinking something's off with mommy. So this year, 2010, I declare will be the year of the Cool. I will be much cooler (not high school or middle school cool), but a cooler cucumber. I will smoke a cool person proverbial joint and just swing. Keep it simple, stupid!