Sleep Guilt

We've all witnessed the overstimulated, overly tired, inconsolable baby. The nervous mom and/or dad frantically bouncing, shhing, rocking the baby. The baby continuing to scream -- "get out of my face and let me sleep!" But the parents continue to offer the child anything and everything to get them to quiet down. I've been there before.

As parents, especially new parents, we want to do our best to love, entertain and teach our babies in every way we can. We make the silly faces, narrate everything we do, sing fun songs, you name it. And most of the time, the babies love it! They gobble it all up. But what happens when we cross over the line into the "too much" territory. Uh oh. Danger! Danger!

This often times happens in the sleep realm too. We feel guilty putting our little ones to bed too early or too soon. They look tired, but they're not quite fussing yet. They're not showing ALL the sleep signs, maybe one or two. They can probably go a few more rounds, right? No need to rush them off to the lonely crib yet. Let them stay and play with the family just a little longer... uh oh!

As we began to read up on all of the sleep tricks and tips, most of them instructed us to have a solid, consistent routine and to get the baby to bed EARLY! We started working out our routine and trying out the 7 PM bedtime, the supposed "magic sleep hour" for infants and small children. But every time that 7 PM time crept up on us, I felt so guilty. It's still light outside! Other children are still playing out in the streets and with their families. Am I depriving my little guy from the fun these children are having? Then I started hearing it from the good 'ole family and friends -- "you're putting him to bed too early, that's why he's not sleeping through the night yet." Or "7 PM?! I've never heard of putting a baby down that early." I'm sure there may have even been a very slight resentment or saltiness as we had to rush our little guy home away from the fun to make it home for this early bedtime. Nevertheless, we stuck to it. And started to see results. As the late afternoon and early evenings began to settle in, Cub would naturally start to wind down and demonstrate sleep signs. His body was biologically and habitually trained to go to bed around 7 PM.

This early bed time also offered my husband and me much needed quality time together. With my husband working all day and the baby soundly asleep by 7 PMish, we had a few hours just to ourselves to share our days, eat dinner and brag about all the wonderful things our baby had started to do developmentally with each other! Thankfully, because my husband is able to get home around 5:30/6 PM, he still had a good hour of special time with the baby to do the bath ritual and storytime.

Yet even with this added quality time, I felt guilty. Am I sure this isn't too early? What if my relatives are right? Maybe I should put him down later?? Maybe I AM depriving him!

Then we started sleep training. I had dreaded this moment. I happen to be one that has an extremely difficult time hearing babies cry. Especially my own! It goes against every instinct in my body! I want to run to them and save the day! But after so much bouncing and rocking, I was desperate. I just couldn't tip toe my sleeping baby over to the crib anymore only to have him jump out of sleep the moment I softly laid him down. I was BEYOND exhausted. So we read up on a few of the different strategies and blended them into our own. Naturally the first few times was PAINFUL. However, not as painful as I expected. And only a few short times later, our Cub was sleeping soundly -- on his own!! If you want more info on sleep training, here's a great site: sleepyplanet.com.

So flash-forward, our guy is now sleeping great. So why the lingering guilt? He's waking up more rested and happy. He's more alert and focused! Is it because I'm trying to place my own feelings on him? Maybe my own attachment struggles? Maybe it's ME that wants to stay up with him and cuddle. Maybe I am the one that doesn't want to put him into that dark, "lonely" room (as I perceive it, not him!). But feelings aside, I know I'm giving him what he needs -- the GIFT of sleep!

Last night Cub was tired quite early. He didn't nap much on his last nap and started winding down around 5:30 PM. He was quickly moving into the sleep zone and I was getting a little nervous about it being too early. Could he really sleep through the night going to bed so early? We ended up getting him into the crib by 6:15 PM, much earlier than usual. By 6:30 PM, he was silent and knocked out. I sat in the living room staring at the clock again feeling guilty about putting him down so early but resigned my feelings. Around 9:45 PM, I heard a baby crying. The poor guy was hysterical. I knew that cry well. It was the "Put me to sleep NOW!" cry. The baby sounded angry and frustrated. If I could translate his sobs it would be, "why am I still awake?! Why don't you have me in bed!" My heart dropped. I felt so sorry for the little overly tired baby wailing. Then I listened to the SILENCE on my baby monitor as my little guy slept away... I smiled. Cub slept straight through the night and woke up with the biggest smile on his face. He was soooo well rested!

Right now as I sit here and type, Cub's on nap #1 of the day, peacefully sleeping, while that same baby is fussing away, tired and cranky.

I've learned my lesson. I have a much happier baby now.