Long Division

Being a bi-racial woman, I've experienced my share of division. Not from others necessarily imposing it on me. Often times it's been my own struggle to find balance. Trying to find a place where I fit in.

Division is no new issue among women in general. Heck, even mankind. But as women, we often experience or play into it more with our cattiness, insecurities and hormones!

Since I've become a mom, I've been around more mommy circles and have listened to some of the common struggles and divisions a lot of moms face. The most common one is the "working mom" vs. "stay at home mom". The working mom may feel guilty for going back to work and leaving her child in the hands of someone else. Guilty about missing milestones or the baby possibly bonding more with a stranger or another family member or friend. I wrote a term paper in college about working moms and nannies. Most of the mom's interviewed expressed being heart-broken when their child cried as the nanny left for the night. On the flip side, I've listened to stay at home moms express guilt about not working. Fearing the perception of being unfulfilled or not living up to their career potential. Since I've been at home with Cub I've heard constantly "are you going back to work?" Or a condescending, "Oh, you're staying at home with the baby. How sweet." It used to really bother me. But now I just let it roll off my back.

There's a true internal struggle we all face at times on whichever side we stand. Sometimes the two sides are even at "polite" war. You can sense it at the birthday parties. The working moms on one side, the stay at homes on the other!

Earlier today I witnessed another division. I was at the park with Cub. I often go to a small neighborhood park that is frequented mostly by nannies. The first few times I went I felt the awkwardness. The nannies were all sitting together, some speaking other languages, playing with the familiar children. I would enter in feeling extremely self-conscious. Like I had trespassed into a private party. Some of them would toss me reassuring smiles, the others nothing. So I'd sit on the edge of the park with Cub watching the other children play with their nannies, wishing a mom would hurry up and come. Finally after Cub started getting bored staring at me, I'd begin to inch my way over to the nannies and ask "do you mind if we join you?" Before long, I became friendly with these nannies. Now when I go to the park we all smile and greet one another like old friends. But as I sat in the comfort of my nanny circle today, I saw another lonely mother on the outskirts. She made eye contact with me and I smiled. I could tell she wanted to interact but was too shy or maybe felt uncomfortable being seen with "the nannies". Before I had the opportunity to go to her, she packed up and headed out. Next time I'll make sure to welcome her sooner.