Cub's Eye

The eye.

I'm learning more and more each day that this eye issue with Cub is about me!

Over the last year, we've been dealing with recurrent chalazions. They're clogged oil glands along the eye lid that cause red swelling and a firm bump. It looks similar to a stye. But usually stays longer.

While it doesn't seem to bother Cub, it really bothers me. Because of the people. I worry constantly about what other people will think when they see him. And rightfully so in some cases. I spend the most time with Cub, we go everywhere, and almost everywhere we go lately someone or quite a few people ask, "What's wrong with his eye?" Or little kids stare and point. Luckily, Cub's still young enough not to notice other people's responses. But I do. And I "allow" it to make me feel insufficient, the mother scum of the earth. Like a negligent parent. Even though I spend hours of my life trying to help and heal this eye issue.

The other day we were at a Farmer's Market and bumped into a few people from a gymboree class we're attending. Naturally, they all made a comment about his eye. But one mom in particular really got to me. She said, "He gets those a lot. It must be hereditary." I was furious and mortified. No, it's not hereditary. Neither my husband or I get these. And furthermore, you don't see us enough to know if he gets them "a lot". I was so bothered. Then I had to stop myself and say, "this is about you. You're embarrassed." When I left that mother, I had that sinking feeling of unworthiness. Like if I was a better mom or did more or whatever, Cub wouldn't be getting these bumps. But the truth is, I do as much as I can to avoid them. And some things just happen to kids. It's part of being a kid!

Being a parent definitely has its own peer pressures. I'm working at not falling into them. But at times, it can feel like a bad eighties popularity contest!

Ready or Not

I hear people say a lot, when I'm ready, about things.

And I say it too.

We say, I'll step out of this dead end job, when I'm ready. I'll start living my life more devoted to God, when I'm ready. I'll start this new diet, when I'm ready. I'll be more honest about my situation, when I'm ready. I'll forgive this person, when I'm ready. I'll reach out to that person, when I'm ready. I'll stop being sad about xyz, when I'm ready. I'll shake this depression, when I'm ready. I'll confront my past, when I'm ready. I'll start healing from my emotional scars, when I'm ready. I'll stop smoking, when I'm ready. I'll give up this addiction, when I'm ready. I'll get pregnant, when I'm ready. I'll stay pregnant, when I'm ready. I'll have baby number 2, 3 or 4, when I'm ready.

But is there ever a RIGHT time? In some instances, yes.
But in most, no.

If we're honest with ourselves, there's always something getting in the way of us doing the right thing or preventing us from being ready.

Pregnancy and raising children freaks a lot of us out. It's like, WOA. That's why many of us go running in all different directions when it stumbles upon us... when we're not ready.

Although I think it's funny that I hear so many of my friends say, "All my life I tried not to get pregnant, now that I'm trying to get pregnant, I can't!" So what happens when we think we're ready for something, but that thing or scenario isn't ready for us?

I thank God Cub was born when I was not ready!
Sure we were "planning" on getting pregnant and starting to put everything into place. I'm not talking about logistics, etc. I'm talking about ME. The big fat self-centered me.
Sure, I believed I was ready. But the core of my being was not. And I'm STILL not...

Now, now, before you start thinking I'm doubting my ability to mother or spiraling into some deep, dark place, let be clarify. By not being ready, I mean I am relieved I don't have all the answers. That I'm still in a vulnerable enough place to be open to growth. See, if I was ever fully ready to be a mother, I would be perfect. Which we know is not possible.

Motherhood, just like marriage and any other strong relationship, acts as a mirror. It shows us a true reflection of our self. It's like a reflection of our self in High-Definition. We see every little flaw, freckle, mole, blemish, pore, glistening drop of sweat, and of course also the minute details that make us so unique and beautiful too!

In being a mom, I can no longer be stuck in the YOUTUBE. I can't make it always about ME. Even as much as I'd love for it to be! In reality, we should never be in the YOUTUBE, but I tend to crawl up there and get cozy way too often!

Someone once said motherhood is the greatest sacrifice a woman will ever make. Sounds great. I don't know if it is or not, but I do know that it's WAY up there. But I think more importantly, it all really boils down to LOVE. Love is the greatest sacrifice. Love is about putting someone else above yourself. Ouch. Self-denail is not fun. At least not for me! It's easy to do when I feel like it or feel ready to do it. But unfortunately, it's usually when most of us are right smack dab in the fire when love is needed the most. When it BURNS!

I am so grateful motherhood hasn't required that real burning from me yet. I've felt the heat here and there, but not the FIRE. But one day, I'm sure I will. If I don't, I'll never grow. At least not to my potential.

However, LIFE has required this of me. And trust me, there have been MANY times where I've yelled up at God about various scenarios, I'm not READY for this! Or, Hey! I wasn't READY for that!

And guess what he's yelled back at me?

Then GET ready!

Gee, thanks.

If you wait for perfect conditions, you will never get anything done. - Ecclesiastes 11:4

That Kid

Everybody knows that kid.

That Kid is the kid that's acting a fool, out of control, showing out, throwing tantrums and just being that kid.

I saw a that kid last week. We were at a function and this kid was a true wild child. Breaking things, all up into everything, making a complete mess and spiraling out of control. But the interesting part about it was that the kid's parents were enjoying their time, socializing, having cocktails, etc. (I guess one might need a cocktail or two if they have that kid.) But every time that kid did something crazy, the parents kind of glanced over, smirked, and then went about their business. Or poo pooed it like it was cute.

So my question is, do you know when you have that kid? I'm assuming you'd have to. But some parents act as if they're truly blind to this. And everybody knows they have that kid but them.

I was with a girlfriend the other day and her little baby was being that baby. Just a fussy-poo. And she recognized it. She even asked her little baby, "are you going to be that bratty kid today in the park?" We laughed it off. But at least she tried to do something to calm the poor child.

I've seen many parents just let that kid melt down right there in the grocery store, mall, bank and many other public places. I'm not talking about the occasional sleep deprived melt down. I'm talking about that kid. You know what I mean!

So please someone tell me if I ever have that kid and try to front like I don't. Because I definitely don't want to be that parent!

Best Thing Ever?

I hear quite often this question from mostly my single or kid-free friends, "Is being a mom the best thing ever?" They ask with the same hopeful smile. Their voices almost hesitant, afraid of hearing otherwise. And right now, I am happy to be able to give them the answer they so desire, with a resounding, "yes!" At which point they get that dreamy look in their eyes. As if they're imagining what it will be like one day for them.

Right now my "status" on various social networking sites is, "truly the happiest time in my life."

However, I remember not so long ago being in the doctor's office waiting room when Cub was 2 months old and talking with another mom. Her kid was a little over a year and full of active personality. She smiled at us as we walked in with our little bundle. Still new and yummy. Then said, "I promise you it gets better. I remember when my guy was about that age. I kept waiting for the "best thing ever" to kick in. I was exhausted. He was definitely not the best thing ever at that stage." My husband smirked. But I felt like breaking into sobs!

Hearing her say those words lifted a huge weight off of my shoulders. Up until that point I had privately had moments where I really feared not experiencing the best thing ever -- EVER -- and being exhausted and overwhelmed for the rest of my life!

At that time I was trying so hard to get into the groove of nursing. Little Cub was feisty. He would kick and actually punch me as I tried to nurse him! Many times he'd kick right into my cesarean wound! I'd look down at this little feisty baby and think, "uh oh. I'm really in for it." But I kept silent and tried to hold my fears at bay.

Prior to Cub's arrival, my husband and I had had discussions on how some women just don't get the "mother bug" and never bond with their children. I was TERRIFIED this would happen to me! Where was the gushy, mushy mother love that was supposed to eat me up?!

Now, as I'm totally smitten with Cub, totally in love, totally head over heels, totally totally in every way -- I hardly remember those overwhelmed moments. And he truly is the BEST THING EVER!

So for all of you out there asking, "Is being a mommy the best thing ever?" I'd say, "absolutely yes, and there are moments where it might "feel" like the worst thing ever too!" But thank God those moments are just MOMENTS. And the best thing ever lasts a LIFETIME.